Congratulations, you’re a yuppie! (sellout!)
Life is a breeze. Your days are filled with pointless meetings, cubicle gossip, and, if you play your cards right, very little actual work.
In fact you’re probably reading this right now at work... I rest my case.
But that doesn’t mean you don’t have your fair share of challenges, and it’s important you confront those challenges head-on in the most classy and manly way possible.
Being a yuppie, you almost definitely walk to lunch on a daily basis (packing a lunch is for 3rd graders… although between you and me, I miss the snack packs). Heck, if you’re doing it right, your home is within walking distance of all the coolest happy-hour haunts.
Again... life is good.
However, one must always account for those rainy days...
Walking in the rain is one of the most emasculating challenges an adult male must face. I don’t care who you are, or how tough you may be - it’s the anti-spinach. You are probably all too familiar with its effects: shrugged up shoulders, squinting, pained eyes, and a face that screams "oh crap, I’m going to have to spend the rest of the day in soiled trousers".
In movies, the only time a man is ever shown in the rain is in the dreaded chick flick. Even then, it’s either after he’s been kicked to the curb, or when he’s outside defiantly proclaiming his love come hell or high water (what a wimp!) ... or if he’s being portrayed by John Cusack.
Keep in mind, this is only done to subliminally give the impression that the man is crying, without having to make him physically do it. Proving that even though women may say that want a sensitive man, you better not be so sensitive that you cry like a blubbering idiot.
Therefore, when combating an enemy as ancient as the earth itself, it’s important to be prepared both mentally and physically.
So, what is a man supposed to do in these difficult and wet times?
STEP ONE: Choosing the Right Umbrella
And by the "right umbrella," I mean the Totes Vented Canopy Auto-Open Golf Stick Umbrella.
It boasts every feature on the umbrella checklist:
... and nothing more.
No design patterns. No little hook handle. It’s not attached to a hat. It’s the perfect way to keep your new Bonobos shirt clean and crisp.
Now let me pause for a moment to mention that this is an exciting time for "male fashion." For starters, it’s apparently a thing - which was news to me.
In this day and age, men are encouraged to explore their creative side through the unique format of trendy clothing and "manly" accessories.
This is not one of those times. Just stick to the plan.
At this point, you might be saying to yourself "but what about an umbrella shaped like a sword or one with a flannel design... those are macho!"
False. Straying from the functional will only land you in "accessory" territory.
Also, you’re saying the word "macho," which is basically a word invented by marketing agencies to get fake and superficially masculine things seems genuinely manly - true manliness speaks for itself and doesn’t need fluff words to hype it.
Besides, there was only one "Macho Man" - Randy Savage (RIP) - and he took that title with him to the grave.
Also, he was the spokesperson for beef jerky.
So please, don’t delude yourself into thinking you can pull it off. You are no Randy Savage.
[Go read part two!]